I'm Always Touched By Your Presence, Dear

After I published my posting titled "I love you for sentimental reasons", I got a comment said that God's presence is not always obviously real. He is with us through the Holy Spirit.Yes indeed I feel almost the same way about this.

Since I was a kid, I was a skeptical and secular person, more concerned with worldly things than religious things. I was repeatedly told to go to church to worship by my parents, but I ignore it and postpone it until I become adult. Several times I went, but not seriously. Just to accompany my relative.

Then one day when I was in college, I fell  sick and should be hospitalized. So badly, until I threw up every feed. I was infused until a few days. I felt among the skeptical and desperate. I had thought that I would die. Food provided by the hospital was already not like that for the sick, but it is interesting food that looks like cake and tart. Until one day when visiting my late father said "how would you recover, if you do not eat". That's when I started little by little to force myself to eat. After that I gradually recovered. And finally when I can go home, I cried. I feel that God has healed me. ( 1 Peter 2:24 ) "By whose stripes ye were healed". But after all that has been done,  my life still doesn't change. I was still a skeptical,  secular  and also stubborn person.

Years  passed.  One day when I rode my motor and turned, suddenly my motor slipped and I fell. Fortunately, I am alright except suffered a little wound. I don't know the reason why, but  my heart said that the Lord has kept me from this accident and I must begin to go to church. ( Psalm 121 :7-8 ) " The LORD will keep you from all harm  he will watch over your life;  the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore". He seemed to ask my promise since I was a kid.

2 weeks later I began to go to church. The first time I felt so sentimental and I cried until one of the elder said that he wanted to visit me at home to give me comfort. But I said it's alright, it wouldn't be necessary.

Not long after that I begin to feel sensitive when I listen to gospel song and participate to sing sometimes I couldn't cope, my heart feels something push to come out and my eyes begin to wet a bit. If I force to sing, I can begin to cry. Not only that. Once when I read a book of testimony, I also cried.

One thing that I don't understand. If He cares for me, why doesn't He keep me from doing the action  that isn't useful except to please myself. Like doing crossdressing.

Not like the cases when I listen to a gospel song or when I read a book of testimony and I begin to cry  or  when He saved me from a serious accident. In these cases look like that  I'm always touched by Your presence, dear God. But on the other hand He seems to ignore my crossdressing habit and not disturb by it, and so  my crossdressing habit goes on. It looks like that He gives me choice to do it or to leave it by my own free  will. He seems to respect our own free will as human. He is not a god who likes to force. But it surely be a hard and difficult choice for me. ( Proverbs 16:25 ) "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."