In My Time Of Dying

The issue whether crossdressing is a sin or not has been argued by two friends of mine, at least. The first said it is not a sin, because it doesn't harm anyone beside human when they are dead will be judged for what they do for others. The other said that crossdressing is a sin according to a verse in the old testament of the bible that says "A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this".

But, didn't some verses in the Old Testament have been overhauled by Jesus ? Like in Matthew 5:38-42.Instead of demanding an eye for the replacement of an eye, He teaches us to give our another cheek when we had been slapped on the right cheek.

Isn't crossdressing issue almost similar to food that sacrificed to idols issue in 1 Corinthians 8 ? Some say we can eat it, but some say we can not eat it.

Then the first said that my God isn’t going to judge me on my sexuality or my gender dysphoria. I believe He is going to judge me on how I conduct my life, how I treat others, how I help when I should, on the acts of goodness or kindness done unknown to others.

What he said is almost similar to this song below "I've only been this young once. I never thought I'd do anybody no wrong. No, not once. Oh, I did somebody some good." A very popular song originally done by Blind Willie Johnson (originally titled "Jesus Make Up My Dying Bed",1928). But rearranged by Led Zeppelin with title "In My Time Of Dying". It's about someone who is dying. Listen to the lamentation of the singer Robert Plant.

I don't mean to interrupt your dialog. Just an intermezzo while you're doing your dialogue. Happy holidays to you. Peace on earth good will to men.

Maybe if I were dying I do the same thing as the singer did, lamenting,  begging and  shouting His name. Will He open the gate for me ? What I am afraid of is that He will say " Get away from Me ! I don't know you". ( Matthew 7:23 )

Champagne And Wine

Today I read an article says that crossdressing and pornography both  have some similarities. They both have some negative aspects.  For examples :  endanger marriage, addiction, cheating, escapes from reality beside  considered as sins.

But the essences of crossdressing and pornography that are sex and woman material I think it's not negative at all. Sex  is needed in marriage and  to produce offspring. Woman material if it used normally by women I think it's normal too of course. Or if a man likes a woman material I think it's alright too if it is limited to like it then he  gives it to his couple .

If it metaphorically as a beverage, it will be like champagne and wine. They both have negative and positive aspects.  Both if excessive will lead to disease, but it could be good for blood circulation and health if taken as necessary.

Jesus himself  drank wine beside eat bread at the Last Supper.  In general, Christians believe that Jesus commanded them to repeat the event this banquet commemorate ("... Do this in remembrance of me! " ( 1 Corinthians. 11:24, 25)

Gethsemane

Today I get a comment says that to be the best of ourselves,  sometimes mean rejecting certain parts of myself, and certain desires, such as my natural desire to only please myself and not others. And we shouldn't just give in to whatever natural desires we have. Some need to be resisted. That comment relates to my situation right now. Being a crossdresser, but also want to be God's people. A dualism in me. A controversy that invites pros and contras. Before that the commentator suggested me to keep praying and reading the holy book.

I reply with a comment “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  A quote from a book. Even Jesus himself had to fight against his own will  right away before  his suffering and death in the garden of Gethsemane. He said that he was deeply grieved, even to death and his sweat became  blood.

For me that situation  looks like a weekend at home that always be a place where  the struggle  against my own lust, my natural desire to do crossdressing occurs. But it almost alywas ends up with failure.  What a shame ! It  seems  that my faith has not grown yet.

What a strange Christmas operetta

Talk about Christmas that will come soon, I remember this incident that happened many years ago when I was a kid. I have a male cousin. He was a shy boy when he was a kid. His face was cute when he was a child.

His elementary school held a Christmas operetta and he participated. Guess whose character he was playing ? He played as Mary, the mother of Jesus. And who decided to do  it ? His teacher of course. Is it a wise decision to decide a boy play as a girl or woman ? Cause I read in some articles, some of crossdressers begin their crossdressing habit since they were children without noticed by themselves and it happened incidently without being planned.

Fortunately, as far as I know he  grew as a normal person, except he is not married yet. I hope he has no deviant behavior, especially when related to  sex.  For his own sake, I hope what happened to me is not happened to him.

I don't know how to love Him

After I published "Love in the First Degree", I got a comment says : "
I don’t think fear of God is necessarily the best motivation to have for stopping crossdressing. We don’t need to fear God if our sins are forgiven in Jesus. But if we have accepted Jesus as our savior and we love God, then we are transformed people, new creations in Christ. We become people who love and delight in living for God and living in the way he wants us to live. So if crossdressing displeases him, we stop doing it for that reason. We don’t stop out of fear, and we don’t stop to try to earn our salvation. We stop because we want to live for God out of gratitude for the salvation and forgiveness he has already given to us."

Well, I don't know what to say, because it is true. I think I don't know how to love Him. Not yet until now, even after many years I went to the house of God to worship Him. Maybe I was stiffnecked. Maybe I was a hypocrite. Every morning and night I pray, but I still don't know how to show gratitude to God for forgiveness and salvation that I already received. Instead of listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit, I even satisfy my own lust by  doing crossdressing every weekend. What a hypocrite I am ! I look like a male prostitute wearing an attractive dress trying to attract my opposite gender. What a shame !

This video below is about a prostitute called Mary Magdalene who finally  repented. I wish I could repent like she did. Can I ?

 I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else
I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man
He's just a man
And I've had so many
Men before
In very many ways
He's just one more
Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So calm so cool
No lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Yet
If he said he loved me
I'd be lost
I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope
Just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head
I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so

Love in the first degree

A few days ago I read an article that says guilt is an achievement, a gift from God to help us fix our mistakes or sins. It makes sense and I agree.  But we must be careful to  distinguish whether the guilt  comes from evil or from  the Lord. I read in another article, guilt that comes from evil only takes us to a deeper grief and may ends up with  a suicide. Otherwise, guilt that comes from the Lord can takes us to repentance.

Like the story of Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus and ends his own life with suicide, because the guilt that comes from evil. While Peter who denied Jesus but eventually repent, because the guilt that comes from the Lord.

What about crossdressing ? Some say it is a sinful activity, the other say no. Me myself confused about that.  I love crossdressing. Love in the first degree. That means I deliberately and plans to do crossdressing. But I'm still afraid of  God too.  So, here Iam deep in  confusion to decide  if it is a sinful behaviour or not ? And still trying to distinguish whether the guilt  comes from evil or from  the Lord.