The negotiator and negotiation

If you are a movie buff, you surely  know a film titled "The negotiator",  starring  Samuel L Jackson and Kevin Spacey. The story is about an  innocent skilled police negotiator who  attempted to prove his innocence  from  accusation of corruption and murder takes hostages in a government office to gain the time he needs to find the truth.  Finally he was saved by another negotiator.  A very popular and two trophy winning film.

In this story, because of a negotiation, a life and career of an innocent police can be saved. Negotiation is very necessary in this case. Also in business, negotiation is very necessary for a  success of a business. Negotiations with suppliers, customers, employers and government.

Not only that, in religious life, we also know about Abraham who tried to negotiate with God about Sodom and Gomorrah. Two cities that had been planned to be destroyed because of the sins of the people. And it ended with success although the cities still destroyed, but innocent people had been evacuated. ( Genesis 18 )

Now, back in our business. If that serious cases had been ended with success, because of negotiations. Can crossdressing be negotiated with God  too ? I read in an article that crossdressing is harmful, sinful except for the crossdressing out of necessity in bizarre hypothetical situations to save someone’s life, etc. Unfortunately it is not discussed further.

What if about crossdressing that has to be done to play drama or film ? Like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire. Just to earn  money for living. Or crossdressing that has to be done because our wives want us to do so ? In this case, it means to save our marriages.

Well, it seems that negotiation holds the key in here too.

Kebaya putih dengan kain sidomukti

Gethsemane

Today I get a comment says that to be the best of ourselves,  sometimes mean rejecting certain parts of myself, and certain desires, such as my natural desire to only please myself and not others. And we shouldn't just give in to whatever natural desires we have. Some need to be resisted. That comment relates to my situation right now. Being a crossdresser, but also want to be God's people. A dualism in me. A controversy that invites pros and contras. Before that the commentator suggested me to keep praying and reading the holy book.

I reply with a comment “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  A quote from a book. Even Jesus himself had to fight against his own will  right away before  his suffering and death in the garden of Gethsemane. He said that he was deeply grieved, even to death and his sweat became  blood.

For me that situation  looks like a weekend at home that always be a place where  the struggle  against my own lust, my natural desire to do crossdressing occurs. But it almost alywas ends up with failure.  What a shame ! It  seems  that my faith has not grown yet.

What a strange Christmas operetta

Talk about Christmas that will come soon, I remember this incident that happened many years ago when I was a kid. I have a male cousin. He was a shy boy when he was a kid. His face was cute when he was a child.

His elementary school held a Christmas operetta and he participated. Guess whose character he was playing ? He played as Mary, the mother of Jesus. And who decided to do  it ? His teacher of course. Is it a wise decision to decide a boy play as a girl or woman ? Cause I read in some articles, some of crossdressers begin their crossdressing habit since they were children without noticed by themselves and it happened incidently without being planned.

Fortunately, as far as I know he  grew as a normal person, except he is not married yet. I hope he has no deviant behavior, especially when related to  sex.  For his own sake, I hope what happened to me is not happened to him.

I don't know how to love Him

After I published "Love in the First Degree", I got a comment says : "
I don’t think fear of God is necessarily the best motivation to have for stopping crossdressing. We don’t need to fear God if our sins are forgiven in Jesus. But if we have accepted Jesus as our savior and we love God, then we are transformed people, new creations in Christ. We become people who love and delight in living for God and living in the way he wants us to live. So if crossdressing displeases him, we stop doing it for that reason. We don’t stop out of fear, and we don’t stop to try to earn our salvation. We stop because we want to live for God out of gratitude for the salvation and forgiveness he has already given to us."

Well, I don't know what to say, because it is true. I think I don't know how to love Him. Not yet until now, even after many years I went to the house of God to worship Him. Maybe I was stiffnecked. Maybe I was a hypocrite. Every morning and night I pray, but I still don't know how to show gratitude to God for forgiveness and salvation that I already received. Instead of listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit, I even satisfy my own lust by  doing crossdressing every weekend. What a hypocrite I am ! I look like a male prostitute wearing an attractive dress trying to attract my opposite gender. What a shame !

This video below is about a prostitute called Mary Magdalene who finally  repented. I wish I could repent like she did. Can I ?

 I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else
I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man
He's just a man
And I've had so many
Men before
In very many ways
He's just one more
Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So calm so cool
No lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Yet
If he said he loved me
I'd be lost
I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope
Just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head
I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so

Deep Purple

Almost all of my recent postings usually use video and  song beside use it as title of my article. Like "She's a Rainbow", "Paint it Black", "Questions" and  "The Road to Babylon". Cause I think it can help my blog to become more interesting. So I choose a song that I like, I match it to the article and create the story. I'm happy and satisfied when I've done.

But why this posting suddenly use a title like above ?  If you like rock 'n' roll,  you must know about "Deep Purple".  Am I wrong about this title ? Or I carelessly give the title to this article ?  Take a look at my picture carefully and make  a good guest.

Here comes the bride

Revelation 19:7 says that church is the bride of Christ. But1 Corinthians  6:9 says "Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, sodomites".  It seems that male prostitutes and sodomites related to sissy. And sissy of course at least related to crossdresser.

Paragraph above seems to make us confused. God wants us to be His bride. And bride gender is female. But in another time, He through His apostle said that our kind won't inherit His kingdom, won't go to heaven. How can it be ?

Maybe the reason why He supposes His people as His bride is because marriage is a holy matrimony, a very sacred relationship. And of  course because He is male, so we are described as female as His bride.

So now  the crossdressers maybe can have a reason to say, so we can do crossdressing ourselves as His bride. Crossdressing for God ? It's like a twist facts or word game. Isn't it ?

But that is all just my fiction only. I myself actually still confused. So someone please comment my article. Thanks in advance