Could you be loved

This is a story about the school of  my female coworker's daughter. She is a student of a Catholic senior high school. The school is well known as a good quality school  that implements high discipline to their students. And it was one of favourite schools in my city.

But this Saturday  she was invited to a meeting of teachers and parents. The meeting is about how to handle the deviant usage of internet by the students. The principal said that the students often use internet to browse adultery and porn sites. He suggested the parents to check their child's computer daily to track what sites they have been visiting. He even explained the detail to do it. Begin with turn on the computer until using the tool of the internet browser to track it.

But the parents argued with him and said that they only met their children in a few hours a day. Beside they still have their own activities. Their children even spend more time at school than at home every Monday until Saturday. Then, how the solution about this topic ? It seems that both sides didn't make an agreement.  She said that she had enough of the lectures of her daughter's teachers. Some of the teachers  are seminarians and priests.

Yes, indeed. Internet seems to look alike a double-edged sword. It can be used for good and bad purposes. It depends on the users themselves. And send our children at a good quality school also doesn't guarantee that our children can become a person with a good morality.

Proverbs 22:6 Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers,  do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

All ’bout the money

This is a follow-up story of my intimate relationship with a man that I've already posted in "If  I Were A Carpenter"

For me, an old saying that says "love is blind" seems to happen in this case. He already fell in love with me, after he saw my pictures in a social network. I don't know which one is right, whether I look a like a real woman or he didn't take a look at my pictures very carefully.

First time he sent me message, I really surprised with his compliments. My feeling is between happy, doubt and think that it is only a spam.  With fad I replied to his message. It happened several times.

Then our relationship become more intimate and I don't want to break his heart. Among other he said that meeting me is not a difficult thing to do, but then my heart must be ready to meet him. So I asked him how he can be so sure about his feeling to me, because we never meet. How can he be so sure that I'm a woman that can fulfil his love.  I began to remind him to observe me, search about me, investigate me and questioning myself.  But it goes like an old saying that says "dogs bark, the caravan still passes", he keeps sending me messages containing his compliments.

Because I'm so  confused and still not dare to tell him who I really am,  so I give him a clue with a question that asks his opinion on crossdresser, lesbian and gay. But it goes the same way too as before. Maybe he's drunk in love. What further questions and clues I must ask and say to him to give him a clear vision about me.

I finally ventured to make a confession stating that I am a crossdresser. After that he stopped sending me emails for several days. I came to conclusion that he must be shocked to know that I am a crossdresser.

Apparently,  my conclusion is wrong, because he finally sent me an email. But the content of his email makes me sure that he is only a spammer. He told me that he still loves me and he wants to send a lot of money to me, but I must keep it secret and I must give him my detail identity. A very typical message that I often receive from many letters from different persons, man and woman.

I should be ashamed to tell you about this story. My  fake love affair with a spammer. So it can be said that it's all about money. So, maybe  any spammers want to comment on my posting ?

I Can Cook Too

For the truth I don't know why I like this acitvity too. Cooking. But at least I like to watch the shows about it on tv or discuss about it incidently with my friends. In reality,  I only can cook some simple recipes.

Thanks to internet,  I can watch culinary programs and browse about it at office. When I do it, usually my female co worker who sits next to me also follows me. At least when she didn't busy. And then usually we begin to discuss about what we see on internet that is about culinary. Not only that she sometimes also discuss with me about food although I was not watching culinary programs or browsing about it.  She sometimes even asks me about  ingredients to make a recipe. When I told her my habit to cook rice with chopped garlic, she amazed. I don't understand about it. For a woman who usually cooks as her, she still amazed with what I do. The other time when I told my other friend about my habit to drink milk with some pieces of ginger that has been burned, he said that I am gifted to be a bartender. But I don't know if he was only joking or meant it.

Sometimes she knows that I also browse about makeup and fashion too. And we also discuss about it too. I also maintain my blog when she sits next to me and she sometimes looks at it. And at last she ever said that I look like a woman although I don't know if she's serious or just kidding about it.

One thing that I am sure about her is that she doesn't  good in  information technology and computers things. She can be said that she even so naive about it. That makes me dare to maintain my blog when she sits next to me.

The person  that I tell above is the one that I often tell you in my postings. With all these things. Sometimes I think perhaps she knows  that I have a deviant behaviour. I feel a little confused about it. I think I may  don't care about it and I can ignore it if she already knows about it. I even can feel free when I do things that relate to it.  But on the other hand, I also worry about it. But what exactly I am worry about, I still don't know exactly.

In my thought, I like it when she already knows about it, but she doesn't care about it.  After all she also has a female friend who become a transgender boy.  So as long as she can accepts me for what I am. I think it is alright with me. Not only that,  maybe if she already tell her friends who are my friends too about me. I think it is alright too,  as long as they can accept me for what I am. In this situation, incidently it can be said that I have no longer a secret. Doesn't it ?

Burn

Today I read an update and see a photo of my friend which told that his atribut of crossdressing completely burned by his parents. He said that nothing left, it all burned. So I wanna send him my sympathy. Like his other friend  do. But actually  I was confused about it. Because he was also a believer. So am I.

His other friends give him sympathy, support, courage to face this accident. Among other they said atributes can be burned, but our crossdressing spirit can not be taken. They also suggested him to buy new atributes to replace the old that burned.

Can this accident  be said as a misfortune or a blessing ? I don't know. But as a believer,  in the bible,  we like it or not, it is said in Deuteronomy 22:5,  a woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.

Or shall I comfort him with this bible verse ? Job 1:21b Naked I came from my mother’s womb,  And naked shall I return there.  The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;   Blessed be the name of the LORD.

Gong Xi Fat Choi Sin Nien Kuai Le 2563

Tex Saverio

Tex Saverio is a new popular designer from Indonesia. Birth August, 28th 1984. One of his gown has been used by the famous artist Lady Gaga. And his name suddenly became crowded conversation in cyberspace. Last Sunday he appeared on MetroTV in a show called "Just Alvin". A talk show that the time talked about fashion designer.  It can not be denied, that his physical and face almost like a woman.

The next Monday when I go to work, my female co worker commented on him that he looks like a woman so much until she becomes jealous of his physic, face and smile. My female co worker is the one that I already told you in my posting "Someone else's problem". She has a transgender friend, a female friend who wants to be a boy.

For you know, my work room is occupied by 3 persons. Me, a female co worker and a male co worker. Then suddenly, my male co worker said what if we introduced Tex Saverio to her female friend who wants to be a man.

Another brick in the wall

Continuing the conversation  about whether gay couples can adopt children or not in my posting "Nobody's Fault But Mine".  The writer of this song "Another Brick In The Wall", Roger Waters from a rock supergroup Pink Floyd is a son of a normal couple, except his mother is a protective person. His father died in a war. Unfortunately,  he had trauma in his shool because of his teachers.  His trauma was written in this song.  I do not know if he was exaggerating the trauma that he received in the school or the teachers at his school were too hard on their students.

This situation in my opinion can lead into  BDSM situation. Bondage  Discipline Domination  Submission Sadism Masochism. If this trauma really happened to him, then this could arguably be a blessing for him. Because this song is really successful and popular at that time.

Being a teacher is a tough job. We  demand big and heavy responsibility from them, especially those associated with their students education.  Beside children are good imitators. Generally they can imitate whatever they like with no difficulty. And teachers beside their own parents can become to be their idols. An old Indonesian saying says "guru kencing berdiri, murid kencing berlari" . In English, teachers pee standing, student pee running. Describe how students can imitate whatever they like without knowing if it's good or bad, right or wrong.

James 3:1  Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly

More than a woman

May I ask you a question as a man ? What do we do when we see a beautiful girl ? Of course we stunned and automatically admire her. And maybe if we remember who created her then we maybe say how God blessed her with such beauty. Insomuch that we so want to feel how it feels to be a beautiful woman. Both in dress and get to face with makeup. That's one of the reasons why we are doing crossdressing.

So we begin to take care of our faces and bodies in way to make it more like a woman. But what if we born with faces and bodies more like a woman than like a man ? Is it a blessing or a curse from God ? ( Deuteronomy 11:26-28 )

What if our face a little bit more feminine than the face of man in general ? Incidently we don't have beard and moustache ? The hairs on our skin less than men? Our skin is a little slick, smooth and soft like the skin of women in general ? Our waist and stomach is a little bit more slimmer and tiny compared to the waist and stomach of a man in general ? Our hips a little more prominent when compared with the hip of a man in general ? Our legs a little more slender when compared with legs of men in general ?

God says that He will bless us, if we obey His commands. Otherwise He will condemn us if we break His commands and go to other gods ( Deuteronomy 11:26-28 ). But what about our body and face ? Didn't we didn't do anything to gain it, it's already given to us, maybe since our birth or since we were kids. We like it or not it is already been there  in our bodies, we can not refuse it. How we handle what the Lord has already given to us ?

The falsetto that the singers used to sing this song, doesn't  it a way to make it more feminime ? At least a  technique or a stepping stone to gain a feminine voice ?

Come rain or come shine

It was Saturday afternoon 7th January 2012 and the rain fell continuously. In accordance with the seasons namely the rainy season. It is my habit to go to church every Saturday afternoon. But this afternoon I doubted and felt a little lazy to go, because of the rain. Then  the devil inside me seduced me and whispered to me to stay at home and spend the time with doing crossdressing. Beside the weather was cold. So I could warm and satisfy my self with my own desire and lust. Be an attractive woman who attracts my own self. Watched my self in the mirror and examined my whole body inch by inch. Feel the pleasure and satisfaction.  Doing hot and sensual scenes until masturbated. Just like the old times.

But my logic thought if I didn't go to church this afternoon, then my opportunity was only on Sunday morning or Sunday afternoon. What if tomorrow rained too ? At last I decided to go.

Arrived there, the church was not filled with so much  congregation. Even the priest himself said that just because of the rain, the congregations who's coming into the church less than usual. What if solar blast happens ?

Not as usual that I could not concentrate on listening and following the ceremony and the sermon, this afternoon I could  concentrate.

The priest in the sermon among other explained the experience during his study. When he was asked by his mentor, how we humans can trust and have faith  in God ? Because of  nervous and afraid, he answered spontaneously that he doesn't know.  But the answer was correct. I think to my self that it was a grace from God that human can trust and have faith  in God. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" ( Ephesians 2:8 )

He continued that in the inability and helplessness of humans, God approached humans. God does not always approach or show himself to humans in spectracular and sensational way. When we still don't understand,  God is present. The content of sermon really touched me. Because I am only a simple man who doesn't know anything about God and Theology. My heart felt calm, peaceful and cool this afternoon.

Thanks God for this beautiful sermon. Come rain or come shine. I will try to keep coming to Your house. But please help me strengthen my faith."Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked." ( Psalm 84:10 )

If I were a carpenter

A very romantic oldies song. Is it the right way to propose a girl ? I wish I was as beautiful as Sheryl Crow and is awaiting for a proposal from a handsome guy.

Today I get a reply email from my special boyfriend. He is the one whose I told you in my earlier posting "Back Street Girl". The one who  didn't add me as his friend in a social network, but otherwise he erased his own account or maybe he blocked me so I can't  see his name in search. A  widower who has  children.

From the beginning, his words always flatter me. But I just consider that he must not be  serious about it.  Maybe he is a playboy. But there is something that is strange to me. He hope that our relationship would be beneficial to our children.  He said that I will be a good mother for his children. But I don't  pay attention to it.

But because of curiosity and worry if he gets the wrong perception about me, so I asked him what he knows about me in details. How far he has already observed me. But I didn't get the right answer from him about it. He keep flattering me. He also said that I'm a special woman. Special if we see from what angle ?

Finally today I get a reply email from him after I asked him if he knows who I really am. He said that actually he is searching for a wife. And from beginning after he saw my pictures in a social network, he falls in love with me. He also said that if I can't accept it. It will be no problem. We can still be close friends. This year he also had promised to his kids that he will get a wife and step mother for his kids.

What can I do now ? I've been trying to remind him to observe and investigate me, but he doesn't care about it.  Maybe love is blind or blinded him. Maybe I must tell the truth a little by a little so it doesn't hurt him.

So my love, if you have read this article and visit my blog,  do you still want to marry me and have our baby ? Please answer me !

I'm Always Touched By Your Presence, Dear

After I published my posting titled "I love you for sentimental reasons", I got a comment said that God's presence is not always obviously real. He is with us through the Holy Spirit.Yes indeed I feel almost the same way about this.

Since I was a kid, I was a skeptical and secular person, more concerned with worldly things than religious things. I was repeatedly told to go to church to worship by my parents, but I ignore it and postpone it until I become adult. Several times I went, but not seriously. Just to accompany my relative.

Then one day when I was in college, I fell  sick and should be hospitalized. So badly, until I threw up every feed. I was infused until a few days. I felt among the skeptical and desperate. I had thought that I would die. Food provided by the hospital was already not like that for the sick, but it is interesting food that looks like cake and tart. Until one day when visiting my late father said "how would you recover, if you do not eat". That's when I started little by little to force myself to eat. After that I gradually recovered. And finally when I can go home, I cried. I feel that God has healed me. ( 1 Peter 2:24 ) "By whose stripes ye were healed". But after all that has been done,  my life still doesn't change. I was still a skeptical,  secular  and also stubborn person.

Years  passed.  One day when I rode my motor and turned, suddenly my motor slipped and I fell. Fortunately, I am alright except suffered a little wound. I don't know the reason why, but  my heart said that the Lord has kept me from this accident and I must begin to go to church. ( Psalm 121 :7-8 ) " The LORD will keep you from all harm  he will watch over your life;  the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore". He seemed to ask my promise since I was a kid.

2 weeks later I began to go to church. The first time I felt so sentimental and I cried until one of the elder said that he wanted to visit me at home to give me comfort. But I said it's alright, it wouldn't be necessary.

Not long after that I begin to feel sensitive when I listen to gospel song and participate to sing sometimes I couldn't cope, my heart feels something push to come out and my eyes begin to wet a bit. If I force to sing, I can begin to cry. Not only that. Once when I read a book of testimony, I also cried.

One thing that I don't understand. If He cares for me, why doesn't He keep me from doing the action  that isn't useful except to please myself. Like doing crossdressing.

Not like the cases when I listen to a gospel song or when I read a book of testimony and I begin to cry  or  when He saved me from a serious accident. In these cases look like that  I'm always touched by Your presence, dear God. But on the other hand He seems to ignore my crossdressing habit and not disturb by it, and so  my crossdressing habit goes on. It looks like that He gives me choice to do it or to leave it by my own free  will. He seems to respect our own free will as human. He is not a god who likes to force. But it surely be a hard and difficult choice for me. ( Proverbs 16:25 ) "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."

Hudsonation, bisexualizition

Anda tentu sudah mengenal Hudson, finalis di kompetisi "Indonesia Mencari Bakat". Penampilannya 2 in 1. Setengah cowok, setengah cewek dalam arti yang betul-betul fisik.  Mulai dari pakaian sampai make up dan suaranya. Kalau penampilan itu hanya untuk komersialisasi akan tidak terlalu  mengejutkan. Tapi hari Rabu malam ketika dia muncul di acara The Hitz TransTV, dia mengiakan pertanyaan  yang  mengatakan kalau ia mencari jodoh seorang wanita dan atau juga seorang pria. Walaupun dengan senyum-senyum. Tapi kesan yang timbul sepintas  jauh dari bercanda. Kalau memang  gitu, mottonya dipanjangkan saja menjadi "Hudsonation, bisexualizition".

Denis

When I was browsing  Youtube and saw the song above, suddenly I remembered an old friend of mine in high school named Denis as well.  Me and Denis used to sit in same table together in the last  row in the classroom. We are close friends.

Denis and I like the others in general are also pleased joking and kidding. Sometimes also played  physical game. But there was something that Denis did to me that I didn't like it. Denis sometimes likes to pinch and poke my breasts and buttocks while saying, "plump,  tender, a lot of meat, flirtatious, like a girl". When I was a student, I was a bit chubby. I could not get angry with him, I also didn't feel so offended. I just felt a bit annoyed and a bit uncomfortable. Maybe Denis saw that our table was in the last line, so no one behind us who can saw what Denis doing to me. A very good position. A hidden place.

I also  admit that Denis face is attractive. But at last we separated when we graduated. Since then I never meet Denis again and never heard of Denis again.

So, where are you now my dear friend Denis ? Are you still reading my article ? I hope you don't angry with me, because of this article. If so, I am sorry. I hope you are doing well right now, happy with your life and your spouse. Or are you still looking for life couple ? A woman or a man ? Or both ?

I Love You For Sentimental Reasons

I am a person who difficult to cry. Last time I cried when my mother died about 4 years ago. I was the person who cried  less than  my relatives on that event. Even compared to my older relatives.

Yes sometimes I also cried but only in my dreams. Or when I listen to a gospel song and I sing along, suddenly I feel sentimental, I'm moved, my heart couldn't cope and my eyes begin to wet a little bit. But it usually just stop until that. Not more.

But this morning when I listened to a gospel song. I suddenly wept , cried out like a kid after I participated to sing. I cried "God, help me ! God, forgive me !" for many times between my sobs. It made me relieve.

For you know, I professed to believe after I  become adult. And as you know too like I wrote in my articles that my faith is still weak, not grown yet. Rather than being a channel of blessing to others, I prefer to ask a blessing from God  for my own. I am selfish like a child, right ? I am still an infant who still needs milk rather than solid food, who have not  been trained by practice to distinguish good from evil. ( Hebrews 5:13-14 )  Instead of reading my holy book and praying, I prefer to spend my spare time doing crossdressing. I  only read my holy book  for a few times, each times for a short time and  if necessary only.  I pray just like a routine that I have to do it. Yes I usualy go to the house of the Lord once a week, but I still can't feel His presence, His nearness, His touch and His greeting to me.

God, I don't understand it at all. Why am  I easily moved  when I listen to Gospel song ?  Maybe I just  love You for sentimental reasons. A very selfish love and not a mutual love.

Teach me tonight

In year 2011, natural disasters often happen. Tsunami in Japan, floods in Thailand and Australia, earthquakes in New Zealand and  Turkey, heat waves in America and Zimbabwe. Do not be surprised if some people say that the apocalypse is near.( Revelation 16:16-21 ) There are other clues too. Like these. The usage of chip that is implanted into the human body ( Revelation 13:16-18 ).

There are even some predictions about when the date of the apocalypse will happen, although in the end it all misses. But the Lord Himself says that day of the Lord will come like a thief, we do not know when the time and date ( 2 Peter 3:10 ).

But what I do about it ? I ignore it. Instead of keep awake and pray, I even satisfy my passions and have fun with crossdressing. Pray and worship for me just like a regular habit and formal necessity only. It was embarrassing. What else can I do ? What else can I say ? Except , please Lord teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.( Psalm 90:12 ).

In this article I also like to say about another case. Some days ago  I got a pingback, remote comment on my posting titled "Champagne And Wine" said "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity". What a great and interesting comment !. Maybe he ( she ) first read my posting titled  "Numbers, Computer World" that said about artificial intelligence too.  How smart and interesting the commentator made antonym.  Artificial against natural. Intelligence against stupidity. He or she must or should be an English teacher. I also would  like to dedicate this video below to the commentator. I hope he ( she ) doesn't mind, doesn't even angry but enjoy this song below.

Please, teach me tonight, madam, sir !  The graduation  is almost here and I still don't look  smart.