Sympathy For The Devil

Please allow me to introduce myself ,  I'm a man with weak faith
I've been around for a long, long year.  Stole many attention and time.  And here is my another article.
In response to a news, one of my friends said that it’s like our society doesn’t want to accept that people are messed up and do evil things.  Our society doesn’t want to accept that people are sinful.  So if someone does something really horrible, they must be insane.

I agree with him. It's like our society doesn't want to blame the evil. It's like a sympathy for the devil. Ironic ?

It happens almost  the same  to me too. If I can't beat my own desire to lusting with doing crossdressing then I say to myself that my faith is still too weak. What can I do ? But sometime I also blame the devil by saying what else can I do ? I'm in the vicious circle.

I  ever heard a sermon that essentially says, rather than blaming the devil we better preserve and nurture our faith. Let our Great Judge himself judges the devil. Let us pray "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, for ever " ( Matthew 6:13 )

Familar with this song ? "Sympathy For The Devil" . Sung by The Rolling Stones. It was a controversial song. Some says that it was dedicated to Satan.  Looks like that every where a bad event occurs, devil participated.  Stole many souls and faith.  Temptation of Jesus, His trial . Russian revolution, World War II, the assasination of Kennedy. Too much violence and cruelty  he did.
Without his participation a book in the Old Testament will never exist, Book of Job. Do not forget that he was the one who requested permission from God to tempt Job. He was also the one that persuaded Eve to eat the apple, so the man finally expelled from the garden of Eden. And all the contents of Bible is about the war between God and Devil.  What a great reputation ! But please don't try this at home, do not even try to imitate his actions.

Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.

But what's puzzling you. Is the nature of my game.

In My Time Of Dying

The issue whether crossdressing is a sin or not has been argued by two friends of mine, at least. The first said it is not a sin, because it doesn't harm anyone beside human when they are dead will be judged for what they do for others. The other said that crossdressing is a sin according to a verse in the old testament of the bible that says "A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this".

But, didn't some verses in the Old Testament have been overhauled by Jesus ? Like in Matthew 5:38-42.Instead of demanding an eye for the replacement of an eye, He teaches us to give our another cheek when we had been slapped on the right cheek.

Isn't crossdressing issue almost similar to food that sacrificed to idols issue in 1 Corinthians 8 ? Some say we can eat it, but some say we can not eat it.

Then the first said that my God isn’t going to judge me on my sexuality or my gender dysphoria. I believe He is going to judge me on how I conduct my life, how I treat others, how I help when I should, on the acts of goodness or kindness done unknown to others.

What he said is almost similar to this song below "I've only been this young once. I never thought I'd do anybody no wrong. No, not once. Oh, I did somebody some good." A very popular song originally done by Blind Willie Johnson (originally titled "Jesus Make Up My Dying Bed",1928). But rearranged by Led Zeppelin with title "In My Time Of Dying". It's about someone who is dying. Listen to the lamentation of the singer Robert Plant.

I don't mean to interrupt your dialog. Just an intermezzo while you're doing your dialogue. Happy holidays to you. Peace on earth good will to men.

Maybe if I were dying I do the same thing as the singer did, lamenting,  begging and  shouting His name. Will He open the gate for me ? What I am afraid of is that He will say " Get away from Me ! I don't know you". ( Matthew 7:23 )

Welcome to my nightmare

Until several months ago when my desire to do crossdressing is stronger than now I usually couldn't sleep at night before holiday. Then I usually did crossdressing  from night until dawn. I even sleep with woman dress. I did it very often. Sometimes when I sleep with woman dress, I dreamed. It happened several times. The dreams although varied but almost the same. Then usually I woke up with nervous. Of course I couldn't sleep well and I was so tired the next day. The dreams are like this.

I dreamed I was laying in my bed with woman dress  and I covered my body with blanket to cover my crossdressing but still I  get caught by my sister. In my dream she opened my blanket  a little bit and peered into it. Then she said "sissy !". I was surprised,  scared and of course felt ashamed in my dream. Then I woke up with nervous.

In another dream looked like I was fully crossdressing, but suddenly my family came and about to enter my house. I felt like almost being caught by them.

In another dream looked like I was crossdressing in my bedroom, but suddenly my relative wanted to enter my bedroom.

Sometimes I masturbated in my dreams too when I sleep with woman dress.

But recently I never dream like that again and I usually can sleep at night before holiday. I think it is maybe my desire to do crossdressing is not as strong as before.

Raminten

Kemarin malam di acara  "Hitam Puth" Trans7 tampil seorang pengusaha yang juga concern dengan kesenian  tradisional. Jika hanya itu  tentu saja hal yang biasa. Yang tidak biasa adalah dia seorang lelaki tapi berpakaian layaknya seperti seorang wanita. Istilah populernya "crossdresser". Nama laki-lakinya Hamzah dan nama femininnya Raminten. Dia punya tempat usaha di Yogya yang bernama " The House of Raminten". Alamatnya di Jl. Jalan Faridan Muridan Noto no.7, Kotabaru, Yogyakarta. Tempat wisata kuliner plus. Tempat ini sangat kondusif bagi  para crossdreser. Kemarin malam dia tampil bersama Yati Pesek dan Nirina serta co host Aming yang juga berpakaian wanita. Dengan pakaian tradisional Jawa. Kain kebaya. Ternayata dia juga sering manggung bersama Yati Pesek.

Episode ini bisa jadi  terasa istimewa terutama bagi para crossdresser. Karena dengan begitu maka kaum crossdresser seperti mendapat kesempatan untuk tampil lebih terbuka di depan umum dengan diwakili ibu Raminten. Dalam hal ini di depan audience baik yang di studio maupun yang menonton televisi dari rumah dengan skala lingkup nasional. Dan dengan sudut pandang yang positif, dalam hal ini untuk memajukan kesenian tradisional ketoprak dan wayang orang.Semoga ini bisa menjadi lampu hijau bagi kaum crossdresser, menyusul kaum waria.

Ternyata yang tampil di Hitam Putih tidak hanya yang hitam atau yang putih saja. Yang abu-abu atau yang loréng-loréng juga bisa tampil. Bravo !

Back Street Girl

The last few days I got some  messages  from a middle-aged man.  The contents as usually always flatter me and very romantic.  Among other things he said that I am beautiful and  always  in his heart. But I feel strange, because he doesn't add me as his friend in the social network. He  was married and got a family. His social status is also honorable as he tells me.

Then I remembered the song below. Now I seem to  be in the same position  as who is being  sung by Mick Jagger. A very romantic and popular waltz  song when we hear it, but it surely  be so sad to who is  in that position. It surely be a blues for who is  in that position.  Ironic ?

But for me, it doesn't matter. Because I don't take it seriously. The song remains the same to me, it is still a waltz to me, not a blues. A song to dance waltz and enjoy the song it self. Shall we dance  ?

Numbers, computer world

Cannot be denied, nowadays all areas of life have been using  computer. Computerized. Ranging from entertainment, educational, social, business to religion has been using computer. We can even listen to sermons via internet. Wanna calculate ? It's a piece of cake. It even doesn't need a computer to do it.  Just need a calculator. A very simple model of computer.  Let alone to count,  computer can also make artificial intelligence applications that are replicas of the human brain,  So, want to calculate how much 70 times 7 ? It must be 490.  No doubt about it.

Now, back in our business. Dirty business. Crossdressing. God says " A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this. " ( Deuteronomy 22:5 ). Our habit seems to displease Him. In other word, we have sinned. Then we must ask forgiveness of God. We maybe ask until how many times He forgive us ? God says 70 times 7, when Peter asked Him  ( Matthew 18:22 ). As we calculated above, the result of 70 times 7 is 490. You can try it yourself if you don't believe it.

Now in my own case, I do crossdressing almost every weekend. 1 year is 365 days,  1 year has 52 weeks. 490 divided by 52 is about 9.42.  So if I do crossdressing every weekend until 10 years or more , will my sins still be forgiven by God ? Because the result is over than 490.

Why He doesn't say 7 divided by 0 ? Because the result surely be uncountable. But who am I to give Him advice ? ( Isaiah 40:13 ). Not a priest or rabbi or a monk, not even a religious man. I'm just a crossdresser only.  Does God ever say  wrong ? I don't believe it. The most plausible reason is it all just metaphorical. Beside Peter who asked Him is a humble man, a fisherman.

And the most important thing is we must fight against whatever that displease Him. The question is : can I fight my own desire to do crossdressing ? I don't know, I'm not sure. May God give me strength to fight it.

Raja gombal

Anda tentu kenal acara ini yang ditayangkan stasiun televisi Trans7 yang baru saja berulang tahun. Diputar tiap Sabtu malam jam 19:00. Isinya perlombaan merayu cewek dengan memakai rayuan-rayuan maut. Acaranya dibagi menjadi 3 babak yaitu : Rantang ( Rayuan menantang), Arapik ( Ané raja spik ) dan Juna Muna ( Maju kena mundur kena ). Babak pertama peserta diberi target supaya sang cewek mau melakukan atau berkata sesuatu sesuai dengan yang ditargetkan. Babak kedua peserta diberi kata kunci, benda dan layar LCD sebagai bahan untuk merayu. Sedangkan babak ketiga peserta lebih bebas merayu korban. Anehnya pada suatu episode ada seorang peserta yang agak feminin ikut acara ini dan tak pelak jadi korban banyolan presenter dan jurinya dengan memberinya sebutan Ratu Gombal bukan Raja Gombal seperti biasanya. Secara keseluruhan acara ini memang ringan dan menghibur, apalagi ditayangkan pas malam Minggu.

Coba kalau acara semacam ini diadakan dengan korban rayuan bukan cewek asli tapi seorang crossdresser. Pasti acaranya lebih seru dan konyol.

Hal semacam inilah yang  terjadi pada saya di sebuah situs jejaring sosial. Beberapa kali saya mendapat teman baru, kemudian tidak beberapa lama mereka mulai merayu saya dengan rayuan-rayuan maut plus gombalannya.  Saya menanggapinya dengan asal saja. Dan biasanya hal ini berlangsung tidak lama. Hanya seumur jagung. Ada yang sehabis merayu-rayu, tahu-tahu akun yang bersangkutan hilang dari daftar teman saya.  Saya tidak tahu persis apa sebabnya. Ada yang setelah merayu berulang kali lama-lama bosan sendiri. Ada juga yang nafsu seksnya kelewat menggebu-gebu sampai akhirnya saya terpaksa menghapuskan pertemanan saya dengan dia. Tapi ada juga yang sampai sekarang kelihatannya masih menjalin hubungan dengan saya.

Setelah saya pikir kejadian-kejadian yang terjadi pada saya kelihatan mirip seperti acara Raja Gombal. Lomba merayu , tapi yang dirayu seorang  crossdresser dan tanpa juri serta hadiah.

Feminine baptismal names

In the Christian religion there is a procedure known as baptism. Before someone can be officially accepted as a congregation in a church, they must be baptized first. In this baptismal event, they usually choose Christian names for their baptismal names.

Protestants generally encouraged by his pastor in order to choose names that are in the Bible. While the Catholics beside  can choose the names that exist in the bible also may choose the name of saints outside the Bible.

Usually male  congregation candidate will choose a name among the names of Christian saints that are men, while female congregation candidate will choose a name among the Christian names of the saints that are women.

But I have a different stories that deviate from it. Mary that must be a female name, can be used by a male Christian as their baptismal name. I know someone, a male Catholic monk whose life is not married and devoted his life to serving God uses Mary as his baptismal name.

I also know a male Protestant pastor of the church uses the name Damaris as his Christian name.  ( Acts 17:34).

But Zephaniah that must be a male name used by a female Christian as her baptismal name.

I don't know exactly the reason why they choose their opposite Christian gender name as their baptismal names, but I hope for God sake it's not to feminize their names.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2012

Without Your Love

Without being felt the year of 2011 is nearly over. And my old habit crossdressing is still binding on  me.  Although  my lust is not as strong as the passed  years , but still I be slave of my own lust. Almost every weekend I do crossdressing.

This year I also met a crossdresser that religious. He said that crossdresing is a sinful activity. Since I read his first article, I almost continue to monitor his postings.  Although I am a sinner,  I also have faith.

So here I am still in the valley of sin, the darkest valley. But I also believe that God still take care of me,  guide me and love me. ( Psalm 23 ).  Where would I be without Your love ?

So here we are almost at the end of year 2011, still don't know what will happen next year. But in whose  hand we must entrust our lives except Him ? So let the new year begins. Any harder and difficult situations ? Let us  face it bravely, as long as  He still with us. Ever onward never retreat !

Note : My eyes almost cry when I type this article. Shame on me.

Champagne And Wine

Today I read an article says that crossdressing and pornography both  have some similarities. They both have some negative aspects.  For examples :  endanger marriage, addiction, cheating, escapes from reality beside  considered as sins.

But the essences of crossdressing and pornography that are sex and woman material I think it's not negative at all. Sex  is needed in marriage and  to produce offspring. Woman material if it used normally by women I think it's normal too of course. Or if a man likes a woman material I think it's alright too if it is limited to like it then he  gives it to his couple .

If it metaphorically as a beverage, it will be like champagne and wine. They both have negative and positive aspects.  Both if excessive will lead to disease, but it could be good for blood circulation and health if taken as necessary.

Jesus himself  drank wine beside eat bread at the Last Supper.  In general, Christians believe that Jesus commanded them to repeat the event this banquet commemorate ("... Do this in remembrance of me! " ( 1 Corinthians. 11:24, 25)

Devil's answer

Fisrt I want to congratulate a friend for success that he has gained for 3 months  with not doing crossdressing. He is very religious. With praying and reading his holy book, he can stop crossdressing at least for 3 months. But of course, I don't know how long does it take to make that success. I don't know either  when his sinful activity began ( as he calls it ). Does it takes a couple of decades? It must be needed of diligence and earnestness as well as assistance from the above.

On the contrary with me, I even failed. Like I wrote in my earlier posting "I Don't Know How to Love Him". I keep praying, reading my holy book and go to the house of Lord for many years, but I still failed. Maybe I was one of them that God says in Matthew  13:15 : "For this people’s heart has grown dull, and their ears are hard of hearing, and they have shut their eyes; so that they might not look with their eyes, and listen with their ears, and understand with their heart and turn and I would heal them.”  Instead of making progress, I still remained silent state in place. In the vicious circle, it is difficult to hear God's voice, otherwise the temptation of Satan is everywhere.  Devil's answer for instant  solution  while I live in the mortal world.

 

People are looking but they don't know what to do
It's the time of the season for the people like you
Come back tomorrow, show the scars on your face
It's a clue to the answer we all chase
Three, five and seven lift the heaviest load
reach the top of the heaven that's fallen below
Devil may care but you wish for the best
Can't you see there's an answer that lies there
Come all you sinners and keep with the time
can we see all the faces that have fallen behind
Don't make the reason it's a secret for you
There's a clue to the answer we all know
There's no clue to the answer we all know
People are looking but they don't know what to do
It's the time of the season for the people like you
Come back tomorrow, show the scars on your face
It's a clue to the answer we all chase

Born to be wild

Today I read an update from my crossdresser friend says that he is already  fully crossdressed with make up and now just sitting while trying to see how long he can hold out before he attacks himself.

Then I think to myself  how extreme these words. You must be kidding, right ? Attack yourself ? Are you so wild so even try to attack yourself ? Maybe your lust is moving up into the top. Even cannibal will not eat his own body. Even a bad father knows best provide for their children. They may not give his son a snake when asked to give a fish or a rock if his son ask bread.(Luk 11:1-13)

Yes indeed there are different types of crossdresser. There is a gentle, romantic, naughty to wildly out of control. So, what type are you ?

The negotiator and negotiation

If you are a movie buff, you surely  know a film titled "The negotiator",  starring  Samuel L Jackson and Kevin Spacey. The story is about an  innocent skilled police negotiator who  attempted to prove his innocence  from  accusation of corruption and murder takes hostages in a government office to gain the time he needs to find the truth.  Finally he was saved by another negotiator.  A very popular and two trophy winning film.

In this story, because of a negotiation, a life and career of an innocent police can be saved. Negotiation is very necessary in this case. Also in business, negotiation is very necessary for a  success of a business. Negotiations with suppliers, customers, employers and government.

Not only that, in religious life, we also know about Abraham who tried to negotiate with God about Sodom and Gomorrah. Two cities that had been planned to be destroyed because of the sins of the people. And it ended with success although the cities still destroyed, but innocent people had been evacuated. ( Genesis 18 )

Now, back in our business. If that serious cases had been ended with success, because of negotiations. Can crossdressing be negotiated with God  too ? I read in an article that crossdressing is harmful, sinful except for the crossdressing out of necessity in bizarre hypothetical situations to save someone’s life, etc. Unfortunately it is not discussed further.

What if about crossdressing that has to be done to play drama or film ? Like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire. Just to earn  money for living. Or crossdressing that has to be done because our wives want us to do so ? In this case, it means to save our marriages.

Well, it seems that negotiation holds the key in here too.

Kebaya putih dengan kain sidomukti

Gethsemane

Today I get a comment says that to be the best of ourselves,  sometimes mean rejecting certain parts of myself, and certain desires, such as my natural desire to only please myself and not others. And we shouldn't just give in to whatever natural desires we have. Some need to be resisted. That comment relates to my situation right now. Being a crossdresser, but also want to be God's people. A dualism in me. A controversy that invites pros and contras. Before that the commentator suggested me to keep praying and reading the holy book.

I reply with a comment “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  A quote from a book. Even Jesus himself had to fight against his own will  right away before  his suffering and death in the garden of Gethsemane. He said that he was deeply grieved, even to death and his sweat became  blood.

For me that situation  looks like a weekend at home that always be a place where  the struggle  against my own lust, my natural desire to do crossdressing occurs. But it almost alywas ends up with failure.  What a shame ! It  seems  that my faith has not grown yet.

What a strange Christmas operetta

Talk about Christmas that will come soon, I remember this incident that happened many years ago when I was a kid. I have a male cousin. He was a shy boy when he was a kid. His face was cute when he was a child.

His elementary school held a Christmas operetta and he participated. Guess whose character he was playing ? He played as Mary, the mother of Jesus. And who decided to do  it ? His teacher of course. Is it a wise decision to decide a boy play as a girl or woman ? Cause I read in some articles, some of crossdressers begin their crossdressing habit since they were children without noticed by themselves and it happened incidently without being planned.

Fortunately, as far as I know he  grew as a normal person, except he is not married yet. I hope he has no deviant behavior, especially when related to  sex.  For his own sake, I hope what happened to me is not happened to him.

I don't know how to love Him

After I published "Love in the First Degree", I got a comment says : "
I don’t think fear of God is necessarily the best motivation to have for stopping crossdressing. We don’t need to fear God if our sins are forgiven in Jesus. But if we have accepted Jesus as our savior and we love God, then we are transformed people, new creations in Christ. We become people who love and delight in living for God and living in the way he wants us to live. So if crossdressing displeases him, we stop doing it for that reason. We don’t stop out of fear, and we don’t stop to try to earn our salvation. We stop because we want to live for God out of gratitude for the salvation and forgiveness he has already given to us."

Well, I don't know what to say, because it is true. I think I don't know how to love Him. Not yet until now, even after many years I went to the house of God to worship Him. Maybe I was stiffnecked. Maybe I was a hypocrite. Every morning and night I pray, but I still don't know how to show gratitude to God for forgiveness and salvation that I already received. Instead of listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit, I even satisfy my own lust by  doing crossdressing every weekend. What a hypocrite I am ! I look like a male prostitute wearing an attractive dress trying to attract my opposite gender. What a shame !

This video below is about a prostitute called Mary Magdalene who finally  repented. I wish I could repent like she did. Can I ?

 I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else
I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man
He's just a man
And I've had so many
Men before
In very many ways
He's just one more
Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So calm so cool
No lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Yet
If he said he loved me
I'd be lost
I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope
Just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head
I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so

Deep Purple

Almost all of my recent postings usually use video and  song beside use it as title of my article. Like "She's a Rainbow", "Paint it Black", "Questions" and  "The Road to Babylon". Cause I think it can help my blog to become more interesting. So I choose a song that I like, I match it to the article and create the story. I'm happy and satisfied when I've done.

But why this posting suddenly use a title like above ?  If you like rock 'n' roll,  you must know about "Deep Purple".  Am I wrong about this title ? Or I carelessly give the title to this article ?  Take a look at my picture carefully and make  a good guest.